A Coaching Conversation on Recovery

This month we’ve explored what happens when we fall back into old patterns: the difference between a setback and true regression, the vulnerability patterns underneath our slips, a practical recovery protocol, and why this work matters for decades, not just this month. To close October, here’s a coaching conversation with Carol, a member of our community, working through a real setback in real time.

Coach: You mentioned you wanted to talk through something that came up this week. What’s present for you right now, before we even get into it?

Carol: Honestly? Tired. And a little embarrassed, if I’m being real.

Coach: Where do you feel that in your body, if you check in for a second?

Carol: [pause] My shoulders. They’ve been up around my ears since Tuesday.

Coach: Okay. Let’s just notice that, not fix it yet. What happened Tuesday?

Carol: My son called. He and his wife are having a rough patch; nothing serious, but he needed to talk it through. And I just slid right back into it. Fixing. Managing. I was on the phone with him for two hours, and by the time we hung up, I’d already offered to fly out next weekend. Which is exactly the pattern I thought I’d worked through this year: putting myself last, showing up as the fixer instead of just the mom who listens.

Coach: What did you make that mean, in the moment you noticed it?

Carol: That none of it stuck. That I’m still the same person underneath all this work, and one phone call just proved it.

Coach: What would you say to a friend who told you that story — two hours on the phone with her son during a hard week, offering to help?

Carol: [long pause] I’d probably tell her that sounds like a mother who loves her son. Not a failure.

Coach: So which is it — the story about proof that nothing stuck, or the one you’d tell a friend?

Carol: …When you put it that way, I don’t actually know why I’m so much harder on myself than I’d be on anyone else.

Coach: That’s worth sitting with, not answering right now. Let’s go back to the pattern itself. If you had to name it — the specific thing that showed up Tuesday — what would you call it?

Carol: All-or-nothing, probably. One phone call and I went straight to “I have to fix this whole thing for him,” instead of just… being there.

Coach: And what did you notice, even in the middle of it?

Carol: That my shoulders were up. That something in me felt the old tightness before I even hung up the phone.

Coach: That noticing — right there, in real time, not three weeks later — what does that tell you about the work you did this year?

Carol: That it’s still there. Even when the old pattern shows up, the noticing didn’t disappear.

Coach: Let’s check in with your body again for a second. Where are your shoulders right now?

Carol: [pause] Actually… lower. Huh.

Coach: What do you think loosened that?

Carol: Probably just saying it out loud. Realizing I caught it instead of just living inside it for another three weeks like I might have last year.

Coach: So if Tuesday happens again — and it probably will, because your son is going to need you again at some point — what’s one small thing you could do differently, starting with what you already know about yourself?

Carol: I think… I could ask him what he actually needs before I offer anything. Just ask. Instead of assuming it’s fixing.

Coach: That’s specific. What would it take to actually do that next time, rather than just intend to?

Carol: Maybe writing it somewhere. Like an actual note on my phone — “ask first” — so it’s there before I pick up.

Coach: How will you know next time whether it worked?

Carol: I guess… if my shoulders stay down. If I hang up and I don’t feel like I have to fly somewhere by Friday.

Coach: That sounds like something you can actually check. What do you want to do with the rest of this conversation? Is there more here, or does that feel like enough for now?

Carol: I think that’s enough. I want to sit with the “ask first” thing before I add anything else.

Coach: Then let’s leave it there. You noticed the pattern in real time; you named it, and you’ve got one small, concrete thing to try next time it shows up. That’s the whole recovery protocol, actually — you just lived it.

Carol’s homework, in her own words: write “ask first” somewhere she’ll see it before her next call with her son, and notice whether her shoulders stay down afterward.